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Writer's pictureNilofar Iyer

What We Were Taught About ‘Happiness’ Isn’t True


Most of us are led to believe that happiness is a final destination — one that can be reached if we make the right choices, learn from our mistakes, and keep pushing forward. We are taught that, once we finally find it, we’ll be forever satisfied in our lives, and so we live feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, chasing this dream, never stopping to question if it is, in fact, flawed.


The reality is that it is flawed. “Happiness” is not a destination. It’s a state of mind, and you don’t need to be in it every moment of every day. Not only is that impossible, but it’s also unhealthy. Life is complex and uncertain. Ups and downs are normal. The day you land that promotion you’ve been longing for might also be the day you suffer your first heartbreak. How do you experience happiness if you don’t know sadness and pain?


People who intentionally adapt unlock doors to possibility and potential. This was a light-bulb moment for me. I began to understand that, while you may not have control over every aspect of your environment, you do have control over yourself and the choices you make, including those that affect your mental and emotional health.


Based on my observations, I came up with this more fitting definition of happiness: 


Happiness is being able to ride the wave of every emotion that life throws at you, knowing that you can come out the other side just a little better than what you were before because you have the skills (focus, courage, curiosity), the resources (a positive mindset), and the support structure (a community) to make that happen.”


While intentional adaptability takes time and practice to get the hang of, through my work, I’ve identified three primary skills that can help you get started.

  • Focus

You may have heard: We live in a world that is designed to distract us. Our attention has become a highly valuable commodity, so valuable that companies like Netflix claim sleep as one of their biggest competitors.Productivity has become a disease, and “busy” has become our default.


Try removing the word “busy” from your vocabulary for just one week and observe how it impacts your mindset, your behavior, and the connection you have with others. I did this two years ago and it changed my life. When I was asked how I was, instead of saying, “I’m so busy,” I would say, “I’m positively engaged doing XYZ.”


Letting go of the word busy is the first step toward owning your actions and explaining them with intentionality. Instead of telling others and yourself, “I’m overwhelmed with tasks and distractions,” you’re shifting your mindset to, “I’m choosing to invest my time and productivity into these three things.”


This can help us feel less overwhelmed about our to-do list (“I have too much to do!”) and more in control of our time (“I’m doing things that truly matter.”). Equally it stops us from hiding behind a word that reveals no useful information to others, and more often than not, is code for something else: anxiety, loneliness, our need for self-validation or FOMO (fear of missing out).


  • Courage


Curiosity and focus alone aren’t enough. Fear can be the biggest barrier to change. Yet fear (along with failure) is one of the greatest levers you have available to enable your happiness. Building courage is centered around letting go of the conditioned belief that fear should be used as an alarm bell to run away rather than lean into possibility.


Courage helps you step into fear knowing it is a universal, biological human emotion, and one that you can embrace and use to shape the change you’re trying to make. Leaning into fear (that is non-life threatening) enables us to creatively process and remove barriers that stand between wanting something and acting on it.


A great way to build courage is by practicing micro bravery. Micro bravery is essentially building courage by doing small things each day that push you out of your comfort zone. It can be as simple as being the first to speak up during a meeting, trying a new cuisine, signing up for an online class, or having a vulnerable conversation with a friend. Over time, these small acts of bravery help us takes leaps that may be holding us back. We learn that fear is never as bad or as big as we can make it in our heads. More often than not, unexpected joy is found on the other side.


  • Curiosity


Part of being adaptable is accepting what you can’t change but acknowledging what you can. Curiosity is a huge part of that. If you never question yourself, others, or the world around you, you will never see the possibilities, paths, or opinions that lie beyond what is most immediately available to you.


Curiosity requires us to be fully present, to listen more than we speak, to ask more questions, be observant of new ideas, and embrace the unfamiliar. Most importantly, it challenges our ingrained beliefs.


Create a list of all the things you are curious about but have little to no knowledge of — and don’t limit them to work-related topics. Your list could include, “How will Artificial Intelligence impact my job?” but it could also include, “Why does a wine glass have a stem?” or even, “How do I start writing a book or start a podcast?”


Once you’ve put down all your ideas, go over your list and highlight the one that lights you up the most. Now, dedicate a small amount of time each day to learning more about it. I gift myself 15 minutes of learning each morning before I do any work at all. Those 15 minutes add up to an extra 65 hours of knowledge-building a year.


What happens when you master these skills? Quite a lot. Through my research, I found that when people build their ability to intentionally adapt, they:

  • Get better at taking control of their time because they know that it is their most precious and valuable resource.

  • Become less afraid of saying “no,” and say it often.

  • Use fear as a green light to ride the edge of their comfort zone, because they know that growth occurs in discomfort.

  • Surround themselves with “unlike minds”— people who challenge them to look at the world through a different lens.

  • Become more comfortable sitting with quiet and stillness, because they know it’s where the brain does its most powerful work.

  • Trust the discomfort of not accepting the first answer that presents itself.

  • Make the time to cultivate deep human connections because they know opportunity and possibility lie at the other end.


Happiness should not be your goal, nor an end state, but a way of being. It may sound like a tough ask in a world of uncertainty. But when you change your understanding of what it means to be happy, you may notice that you start to feel it much more.


Author : Penny Locaso is an international keynote speaker, educational innovator, and the author of Hacking Happiness. Voted one of the most influential female entrepreneurs in Australia Penny is the world’s first Happiness Hacker, on a mission to teach 10 million humans, by 2025, how to intentionally adapt in order to futureproof happiness.



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